A friend recently asked me, “How do I ruin a blind date?” At first I looked at her baffled. What do you mean how do you ruin a blind date? I mean, do people actually still go on blind dates? Hello, social media? And if anything, why would she even ask such a ludicrous question? But as I thought about it more, I began to think, hey, this would be a wonderful opportunity to get out of my comfort zone and post a fun little short on the blog. Now I would like to disclaim that this is not normally a post I would put up and propagate, but since this month is my No Fear November month where I try new things on TMA, I decided, why the heck not. Comfort zones are only for monoliths anyway. Hence my brave venture into uncharted territories with my new section of short stories. But anyways, here goes…
How to ruin a blind date.
Ever wondered how to ruin a blind date that you were forced into?
Abide by these steps and surely you are guaranteed to be the worst blind date a person ever had.
To start the night, forego getting ready at all. In the event that you decide that you’ll actually make a hindrance of an effort, make sure to literally dress in the dark (oh and let’s add putting on makeup without a mirror—you know like pinning the tail on the donkey blindfolded? Only this time the lipstick, eyeliner, blush, and mascara on your face). I mean why not put the blind in blind date? Besides, this little trick will ensure that your appearance will be the epitome of dating blasphemy.
Shall we say the rotten apple of anyone’s eye?
Step two, show up late. If the date starts at 7:00 p.m., arrive at 9:00 p.m. sharp. You will show your lack of manners. Chivalry and class is dead tonight.
Once the dinner begins, do not try to impress your blind date with your charming personality. Instead, evoke a somber mood or a capricious and brutal array of mood swings with a dash of complaints about everything. Most of all your date’s looks—or lack thereof. Show him what a woman in red heat (ahem) really means.
Foreshadowing the brutality of one week of a woman’s life is always a treat to any man.
To add to the frill of it all, be completely and utterly distracted. Texting, tweeting, instagramming your food, taking selfies of your hideous clown painted face, and calling your family and friends while at the dinner table will ensure the aggravation in your date. If he’s still seemingly interested—have mercy, then there’s one last thing left to do.
To really make a lasting impression, excuse yourself kindly with a sweet sugary laced voice to go to the bathroom and do not return. Literally. But make sure that you have everything, like jacket, phone, purse, etc. to make sure that this last surprise will really work. Otherwise, it defeats the whole purpose.
This will officially end the blind date on a bad note and guarantee a no second date.
BUT JUST FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM ACTUALLY COMMITTING THESE ACTIONS UNLESS YOU ARE AWARE OF THE CONSEQUENCES.
So what did you think? Yes, no, maybe so? Or even other tips for the unfortunate souls out there forced into the archaic blind dates set up by family and friends? We’d love to hear your thoughts!
Join the movement: #ConqueringWonderland